Wednesday, August 3, 2011

So Stupid It's Not Even Smart

Dear Third Grade Girls:

Some of this isn't going to make sense to you until you're like 18, but I want to talk to you about science. Science a really beautiful thing that you can study hard and learn about it. Science is how we make the computer you have over there, make the lights in the building turn on and off, and how we make medicines to treat sick children so they can have a nice life like you have. We can do all sorts of marvelous things, like sending rockets into space with REALLY big telescopes so we can see the furthest reaches of our universe. It's a way that we can learn about what makes people alive, and a rock not.

Now, you're going to have a lot of classes between now and college. Some of them will be science, and some of them will be math, and yet others still will be arts, civics, social studies, music and gym class. Some people are going to tell you that if you want to be a scientist when you grow up, you'll want to take a whole bunch of mathematics and science classes.  Well, I'm here to tell you that it's a lie. You don't need to know any of that silly stuff.

Here's one of the other ways you can get into being a scientist.

1.) get a degree in something useless that has "science" in the title, but requires you not to take science classes
2.) shed any vestiges of self-worth and dignity by talking a lot and saying really stupid things
3.) always blame the patriarchy for troubles you might have
4.) snipe any other girls who are more successful than you as being gender traitors and sluts
5.) play the victim really, really good
6.) no matter what you're invited to talk about, read your e-mail to people - if it's boring, just make shit up
7.) always, always remind people how sexually appealing you are almost everyone
8.) hijack conferences to get married, and then quickly ruin that marriage and get divorced
9.) dabble with experiments: for instance, you could do a lifelong study of the effects of ETOH on carbon based lifeforms

Congratulations, you'll now be invited to lecture real scientists on science. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

My favorite:

"6.) no matter what you're invited to talk about, read your e-mail to people - if it's boring, just make shit up."