Sunday, October 2, 2011

Dear Abbie

There are many difficulties involved in getting into heaven. The easiest way seems to be accepting Jesus as one's personal lord and savior. All that's required is leaving forfeit one's reasoning faculties and any sense of self worth. This is repugnant to me, so I've turned my keen analytic mind towards devising another way in.

We know it's possible for humans to get there on our power. For instance, the roughly 300 foot tall Tower of Babel was one pathway. More reflective study of Biblical scholarship has lead me to figure the whole thing out. For instance, Jesus' bodily ascension into heaven is rather easily explained in contemporary physics.

What do you think all of those collected foreskins in the Bible were used for? A dowry? No. It's simple Biblical physics - hear me out.  What are foreskins useful for? Nothing, which is why we cut them off and cast them away. Or are they?  The reason God doesn't want us to keep them into adulthood is that big dicks have larger foreskins. Larger foreskins do more work than little ones; thus, cut them off before their work capacity is sufficient to arrange a transportation system from Earth to Heaven.

How? It's simple, elegant really. When dicks are warm, they expand and when they're cold they contract. We also know that sex organs are magically given to us by God. So, it stands to reason their properties are sufficient to open the gateway to heaven. (Why else would it be wired into us to scream "oh God!" when we're climaxing?)

Now, for the data we need. According to Bible scholar Kent Hovind, currently residing in an undisclosed, secure location in Pensacola, Florida, mankind is getting progressively smaller as time goes on (and according to youtuber Amenakin [at 1:20] we get smarter as we get whiter, and we all already know that white guys have smaller dicks, right?). Thus, we were bigger in the past - even our foreskins. Using some proprietary software (and hardware), I've worked out average cock size of dark men in the past.

So, we know the Tower of Babel wasn't quite tall enough to make it properly into heaven, so I figure another 100 feet would do it. Therefore, we need enough foreskins to traverse that distance. And we know that 200 foreskins were collected in the past, meaning that each foreskin when lain flat and at equilibrium was 2 feet long. Right? Ok then.

We also know about the heat death of the universe from the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics, which deals with entropy (in troh pee). Entropy + the 2nd law literally translates to 'the shrinkage while peeing as heat is lost".  The implication there is obvious.

And finally, we need to factor in an experiment that every little boy has tried at some point near puberty: when the penis is erect and one pushes it down, it springs right back up.

Putting all of this together and I think it's immediately obvious that Hooke's Law is the pathway to heaven.

I am right now writing a research grant so that we can determine the tensile strength of foreskins and thus their work capacity. Also, as a corollary research project, I'm interested in finally finding out how much the human soul weighs so that we'll know how many foreskins will be necessary to account for the rapid transition of souls during the rapture.

For more information on what led to this startling breakthrough, ask Abbie of ERV.


ERV said...


The Justicar said...

For some reason, my spam filter hates you by name. You are the only one whose e-mails of a comment are always sent to my gmail spam filter.

Have you pissed a bunch of people off?