With Breeders Like These, I'm Shocked We're Not Extinct

I have a breaking news bulletin:  if there exists some method--irrespective how obscure, or nearly impossible to be found--to take what is at most a cheesy/almost possibly creepy hello and transmogrify that plum nearly gauche faux pas into some abject, intellectually deficient reason to lecture someone*, somewhere on Doing It Rite [sic], some positively stupefyingly privileged first world reprobate curiously bereft of a quixotic gallimaufry of a sense of humor, wit, spine and a lick of nuance will nevertheless create some mechanism to make it thus and so.