With Breeders Like These, I'm Shocked We're Not Extinct

I have a breaking news bulletin:  if there exists some method--irrespective how obscure, or nearly impossible to be found--to take what is at most a cheesy/almost possibly creepy hello and transmogrify that plum nearly gauche faux pas into some abject, intellectually deficient reason to lecture someone*, somewhere on Doing It Rite [sic], some positively stupefyingly privileged first world reprobate curiously bereft of a quixotic gallimaufry of a sense of humor, wit, spine and a lick of nuance will nevertheless create some mechanism to make it thus and so.

This is where I take comfort in knowing that I'm gay - blowjobs are more commonly used as a salutation than handshakes are used as hello. Yes, bodily fluids are shared with at least the same frequency as names are shared during introductions. And that's just in the classier megachurches during the more upscale republican fundraisers.  That breeder game these only-remotely-likely-to-be-in-the-vicinity-of-having-half-a-chance-of-breeding-breeders play seems needlessly complex, profoundly stupid, and unceremoniously shoehorned into some veritable Potemkin Village overwrought of the anally retentive Victorian anachronistic bourgeoisie accoutrement promising the riposte to these greetings between people shall be as unpleasant as is humanly possible to make them sans sparring gear. One almost need invoke divine providence to account for our ancestors' having made it out of the goddamned Pliocene given the sheer unmitigated ubiquity attendant such ill-begotten manners all the while leaving on so fully proud a display the reproductive ineptitude personified by this species of unfunny shitpickle.  It is becoming all too clear to me that there exist people whose opinions of their relative value to the human species are so discordant to reality, whose lives are so gratuitously pristine and handily carefree that were a man to speak to one without alighting himself wholly prostrate to beseech of her largesse leave to pray her do what justice bids her do
we then would have a full scale**, cosmically significant emotional event on our hands.

I have to say that after a while all of this profound, melodramatically stupid attitude of I-think-so-highly-of-myself-that-if-you're-going-to-speak-to-me-you-had-better-have-taken-the-time-to-read-the-rulebook-I'm-far-too-busy-and-way-too-important-to-have-written-so-you'd-know-all-both[sic]-pre-approved-configuration-of-words-that-one-is-permitted-to-speak-in-my-presence-lest-I-have-a-highly-significant-emotional-event-which-will-fully-be-your-fault-anyway kind of gets on my nerves - just a smidge.  This very oft carted out stupidity sorta, kinda makes my asshole want to suck an overripe lemon after having shoved a commercial grade cheese grater up my ass sideways so as to soften the turtlehead for the lemon cavalry brigade's bitter charge in advance of the ass and ground-pounding pain train du Tabascosauceville.  Just sorta kinda though.

It would surely be less repugnant than all of the shenanigans being bandied about hither and tither over what is, essentially, the marriage of insufficient forethought in how to address some terminally unfunny other party.  At any rate, watching this band of braying ninnies makes arranged marriages suddenly seem a lot more civilized, and definitely infinitely more sophisticated.

*one should like to note that the "someone" in question is never the person by whom the hypersensitive person whose delicate feelers have been offended.  Why can't one just say to the person saying the 'offensive' thing that it's inappropriate?  Instead, no, we have scores upon scores of offended people being so insulted, so denigrated, so debased, objectified and dehumanized that the one person in the entire universe they can't tell it to is the one person in the universe most in need of hearing a crafty verbal judo chop to one's ahumerus bone.  

**or a blog post. Same same, right?

A credibly mature, fiercely independent woman renowned the world over for being a fierce woman qua Maya Angelou of 4chan, whose acquaintanceship it is my distinct privilege to have once waxed poetic on this very topic:

The only person responsible for Elevator Guy was Elevator Guy. Likewise it was Watsons responsibility to say "Hey, Guy, you might not mean anything by it, but that does come off as creepy."
It is not Watsons responsibility to go on the internet and tell other males how to behave towards every other woman. She does not speak for me. All other men should not pay for the 'sins' of one man. And you know what? If Elevator Guy does this exact same thing to another female in the future, and creeps someone else out, its not his fault at all. Watson didnt tell him his behavior bothered her. How was he supposed to know?
In fact, there would have been a better 'net good' if Watson had told EG directly that his behavior was 'creepy'-- Not only would he have had the chance to learn how his behavior might be construed, he would have had the chance to apologize, and he probably wouldnt do it again. As it stands, homeboy probably has no idea what he did was 'wrong', and a bunch of us are arguing over nothing.
The only way one could interprete [sic] this result is 'good' is if one was an attention whore, and attention was more important than the 'cause' one purported to support.

[editor's note: the joys of writing on opiates - yay me!]